It's Ok Not To Enjoy Your Pregnancy

Women and society have always put a plethora of pressure on other women, and themselves.

You have to be thin to get a man to marry you. You need to have a career and a family. You need to go into an office everyday for it to be considered a 'real job', otherwise it's just a hobby. You need to 'bounce back' after childbirth. You need to have long, straight hair to be considered beautiful. You need to have fair skin. You need to be able to balance work-family-health-finances-friends. 

While talking to a friend about what I had to buy before the baby comes (mind you, I have six months till Brownie arrives), she casually said that I wasn't taking time to enjoy my pregnancy. While I know she said it out of concern, I found myself — as usual — stressing about why I'm not taking time to enjoy my pregnancy.

Don't get me wrong — I'm so incredibly excited to be a mother. I cannot wait to meet my child, and I cannot wait for my husband to be a father, my parents to be first-time grandparents and all that jazz. Let's not even talk about how many times I've burst into tears of sheer joy in the past 13w. Every time I see Brownie in an ultrasound, every time I hear his heart beat — or like this past week, watching her do somersaults in my uterus.

It is surreal. It is also so, so incredibly scary.

Since the first time I checked myself into the hospital, they've found complications (with me, not the baby) and I've been hospitalized for the first time since I was born (I hate hospitals. Staying overnight in the hospital fearing for your life is the worst.), and I've had to come in for regular assessments and check ups almost once every week. It's been a very, very, physically and emotionally draining rollercoaster.

I'm constantly on my toes, I'm constantly anxious, and I'm constantly seeking out prayer, meditative and breathing techniques to make me feel at ease.

When we started trying to get pregnant, my idea of pregnancy was balancing a pint of Ben & Jerry's on my massive belly binging on Netflix. And it's nothing like it.

And here's the thing — I don't mind the barfing every morning, or the hating the sight, and the smell of eggs. I didn't mind the bloating, and I didn't even mind the fatigue (hello, naps!). I knew that it was just my body's way of making another human being, and it's all going to be worth it. And the crazy thing is, I've learned to be thankful of all these appointments and doctor visits because I know this will help my baby. 

Just because I'm not enjoying it doesn't mean I'm not heart-so-full grateful for this, every single step of the way.

I don't know anything about motherhood, hell, I don't even know what's coming for me and my body in the next six months, but I know that there really are no hard-set templates for how you'll feel during pregnancy. You shouldn't be angry at your body, or be disappointed in it. Pregnancy is a batshit crazy smash-up of hormones, body changes, life stressors, and health factors that impact each woman uniquely. Even if you're not enjoying it in its entirety, you should enjoy the little things — celebrate every week like a victory. 

At least that's what I'm doing.